glory and grace

Nine months ago, I began to train for a half marathon to raise money for clean water with World Vision. As it is with many things, when we set out to help others, we benefit too and sometimes more so. I started what seemed like an impossible task with an app called “couch to 5k” and a lot of faith. The training began with intervals of running 1 minute and then walking 2 minutes and I felt every single second of those first minutes as I jogged. I really just wanted to go back to the couch many times. But somehow I made it to the finish line by training with others and now running has become a regular habit in my life. Still even after all that progress and after all those runs, the first mile is still the hardest. I realized today one reason why and a better way to face it.

As soon as I start taking some steps, especially when I run alone, the voice of the Enemy, the Accuser, the Discourager attacks me. I hear him say things like, “Who do you think you are? You can’t do it. You are not even that good at it.” And he even tries to slow me down and discourage me by accusing me about other areas of my life. He points out how I have failed or not followed through as a mom and wife, a daughter and friend, and so on. He brings to mind worries and anxious thoughts about things past, present, and future. Usually, I just push through by sure will power trying to dodge, ignore, and just get past those thoughts but today, I felt weak and did not have the will to fight them but as I listened to them, I did not feel defensive and just confessed them and turned them over to the Lord. I admitted, “It’s true, I did fail in that; I did forget about that; I really am not so good at that; Gosh, I should not have said that; I do wish I could have done that differently.” After those confessions though I actually felt less discouraged than when I tried to fight them and I then started preaching the gospel to myself. “Even still, God loves me anyway; oh and that is why Jesus had to die for me; yes, and Jesus paid for that. and so my hope is in the Lord. He is my help. His mercies never end.” I felt the Lord give me much hope and strength and I even began running a little better than usual.

I realized as I was running that I had been fighting those voices all week. I had a really good time in solitude and silence over a week ago where I was able to discern direction for the year but before I even began trying to live it out, I felt accused and defeated already. I found myself procrastinating all week but during my run, I felt the Lord encourage me with the very direction and verse I discerned for the year and I found myself praying:

“Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways.”

-psalm 119:37 

and this song my spiritual director encouraged me with came to mind too:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face;
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

I will fail again and again but this is why I need a Savior and He has already paid the price for all my past, present, and future sins and all I really need to do is just keep running the race for Him and then give Him glory and rest in His grace.